I wonder if there was a time I wanted to die more then I do now. I finally said to my mother I wanted to die. That I wanted to kill myself. She didn't take me seriously at all. Then I cried all the way home from the orientation. I seen some people I knew from 4 years ago. People who made my life a living hell. Everyone knew me as the fat girl. I wanted to see them now and prove to them I'm better then that that I'm not fat anymore. But look it. I'm still the fat girl I was 4 years ago. I'm so disgusted with myself. I had a few panic attacks there and all my Mom kept saying was "You'll be fine, everything's fine." Everything is not fine. Nothing is fine. I can barely function anymore all I want to do is sleep. I don't really dream anymore though. Just nightmares...But nightmares are better then reality I guess... Tomorrow's Mathews first day of 2nd grade. He's really excited. I envy him. He's so innocent and happy. I should really go get him tucked in bed. Then I'm going to take sleeping pills and go to sleep. I don't care if I wake up or not.. It doesn't even matter anymore....